Holy cow it is cold outside!!! Did you notice my new pic for
the blog? Everything is still covered in glassy ice that looks beautiful in the
same way that sharp glistening daggers look beautiful when hanging from every
single tree that surrounds your home. I’m so over this cold weather nonsense.
We haven’t had power in 72 hours and it was fun for a little bit…until my
Kindle died. Now I have a mountain of laundry that is piled up in the laundry
room, all the food I had stocked my fridge with is now bad, all of my Suave
dry-shampoo is gone, and I think about making myself some hot coffee or tea
every 4.2 seconds and I am then immediately disappointed because I rememeber Keurigs are
not battery powered.
The absolute worst part of all of this is not my day three
of dirty hair (because we all know that dirty hair actually gets the most
compliments) but my complete and utter inability to make good food choices! I
know I made that last blog post at the beginning of day 1 of this ice storm
mess about how I was going to turn over a new leaf, start fresh and make
healthy choices. Well, it just didn’t happen. I wanted it to but I was at the
mercy of the bipolar electricity. It would be off all day and then flicker for
20 minutes, stay on for a few hours and then off for another 24. I even made that lovely Rosemary Pork
Tenderloin and Paleo Cornbread Dressing but it never got cooked completely
because the power cut off once again. So instead I’ve used the lack of power as
my excuse to eat as much junk as this girl can stuff into her blue and frozen
lips.
I actually wasn’t that
bad and managed to eat kinda paleo
for the most part but we ate out for every single meal so I’m sure I’ve not
been perfect...in fact, I’m pretty sure that pumpkin cheesecake, cheesy crab
dip and lobster nachos were not so much paleo. And I feel gross. And to make
matters worse I use my grossness to justify another bad decision. “Ugh, I
already feel like a fat blob of inflamed goo. I might as well eat this
sourdough bread that was served with this amazing crab dip because I can’t feel
any worse.” I just don’t do the 80/20
thing well. I apparently go from 80/20 to 40/60 in less than three days flat. I
just need to keep it paleo…no matter what.
But all of this winter barely
survival has taught me a valuable lesson…I am so not ready for the Zombie Apocalypse. I’m serious. It’s gonna
happen and I need to get a plan of how I am going to keep it paleo in the midst
of no power and biochemical brain eating monsters. So I have spent these last
few hours when I wasn’t watching my breath and making sure I can still wiggle
my toes to devise my “How To Stay Paleo During the Zombie Apocalypse Plan.” Here’s
what I’ve got so far…
1.
Learn how to make coffee over a fire. Actually
as a precursor to number 1: buy some camping cooking gear.
2.
Start storing canned goods. Canned veggies
suck!!!!!! But it isn’t like frozen veggies will stay frozen for long when the
power goes out. Learned that the hard and expensive way.
3.
Start figuring out how to grow a garden. I try
this every year. We spend lots of money on making it pretty, mixing the perfect
soil/vermiculite/fertilizer ratio, adjust the water timers according to the
temperatures and yet it never fails…we get maybe several tomatoes and peppers
but nothing else ever looks very healthy and most of the time those giant
disgusting worms enjoy our produce before we do.
My dear friend and neighbor told us about
these hay bale gardens that
seem really successful so maybe I’ll give that a shot…not too pretty but pretty
doesn’t matter when you are hungry.
4.
Learn how to hunt Katniss Everdeen style.
Somehow she manages to hunt and still look amazing. Plus a bow and arrow is
much quieter than a gun so I won’t be alerting any zombies of my whereabouts. I
actually am kinda excited about learning how to do archery. Is that how you say
it…’do archery?’ Whatever. I think I will be good at it and I don’t know why
but it seems nicer than a gun. Although this leads me to number 5.
5.
Get a gun. Guns will be necessary to keep those
bad zombie survivors away. If they see a chick carrying a bow and quiver full of
arrows (where do you buy a quiver???) they will just laugh because I’ll look
more like a fae character than the feisty zombie killing warrior that I know I
was fated to be. So I need a gun to pull out of my tall black leather boots and
matching leather jacket…because I’m going to jump on any excuse to wear that
kind of outfit. (I hear zombies have a hard time biting through leather.) Bad
guys fear guns because they use guns to instill fear. So I’m going to get a gun
or two or three. Maybe a rocket launcher too.
6.
Stockpile some jerky. I know we all think we
will just hunt forever and get back to our caveman roots but have you ever
considered that maybe this zombie virus could infect the animals too!!!! I had
never thought of that before recently and it blew my mind! Cows seem all docile
but can you imagine one that wants to eat your brains!!!!!! Plus, even if you
survive a cow attacking you and you manage to kill it first, you still can’t
eat it! It is infected meat! So jerky is pretty much my only solution. Well,
maybe spam too but only in a last resort kinda way.
7.
Learn how to weld. This may seem like an odd
occupation but in the apocalypse those that know how to weld a chainsaw, axe,
and gutting knife together to make zombie weapons will be those with the most
power. And I intend that person to be me. President Jess…Queen of
ZombieLand…Destroyer of Brain Cravers…Princess of Paleo. ;)
8.
Move somewhere that is always warm. It just
doesn’t seem so bad to consider fighting off zombies as long as I’m chilling on
a beach. Plenty of fish, coconuts, bananas, and rum…right? I just can’t imagine
pillaging for food in this nasty weather. It is hard enough to try to fix my
hair in the dark well enough to be seen at Chili’s.
9.
Plan the quickest route to Costco and haul
bootay. Costco has everything! Thick warm socks, big screen TVs, generators,
food, food, and more food, medicine, Snuggies, even playground equipment! And
it has those lifts that beep when they go backward and we could place them
outside of the Costco and assign gunmen to be our lookout for zombies or rival
gangs.
10. Align
myself with the right people. I bet you’re wondering why I’m sharing my
brilliant plan with you and I’ll tell you. First of all, you are my readers and
I naturally think you must be awesome if you take the time to read my insane
thoughts. Secondly, I know that a large percentage of my readers are also my
closest friends and my friends are some of the coolest most ingenious and
brilliant people I know and I want to keep all of you around as long a
possible. And thirdly and most importantly…eventually we are going to have a
Donner Party situation on our hands and I figure that since you read this paleo
blog then you too most likely care about what goes into your body. And you know
how they say, ‘you are what you eat eats’…well, if it comes to that I want the
highest quality human available…and that is you.
So now that you are either totally grossed out or think that
I’ve lost my ever loving mind, here is a sweet recipe for you.
Possibly The Worlds Best Ever Butternut Squash Soup-(This is
a challenge, not a tooting of my own horn.)
Ingredients:
4 cups butternut squash, diced and roasted
1 cup coconut milk, full fat
2 Starkrimson pears, pealed and diced
1 small onion, diced
4 TBSP grass-fed butter
½ tsp nutmeg
¼ heaping tsp thyme
pinch of cayenne
salt and pepper to taste
Sautee onion and pears in butter until super soft. Add to
food processor and puree. Add roasted butternut squash and coconut milk and
blend until smooth. Pour into soup pan and add seasonings. Simmer on low for
20-30 minutes. Goes great with a cold chicken salad or sausage and sauerkraut.
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